Carve This Irony

History of the Jack-o-Lantern

People have been making jack-o-lanterns at Halloween for centuries. The practice originated from an Irish myth about a man nicknamed "Stingy Jack." According to the story, Stingy Jack invited the Devil to have a drink with him. True to his name, Stingy Jack didn't want to pay for his drink, so he convinced the Devil to turn himself into a coin that Jack could use to buy their drinks. Once the Devil did so, Jack decided to keep the money and put it into his pocket next to a silver cross, which prevented the Devil from changing back into his original form. Jack eventually freed the Devil, under the condition that he would not bother Jack for one year and that, should Jack die, he would not claim his soul. The next year, Jack again tricked the Devil into climbing into a tree to pick a piece of fruit. While he was up in the tree, Jack carved a sign of the cross into the tree's bark so that the Devil could not come down until the Devil promised Jack not to bother him for ten more years. Soon after, Jack died. As the legend goes, God would not allow such an unsavory figure into heaven. The Devil, upset by the trick Jack had played on him and keeping his word not to claim his soul, would not allow Jack into hell. He sent Jack off into the dark night with only a burning coal to light his way. Jack put the coal into a carved out turnip and has been roaming the Earth with it ever since. The Irish began to refer to this ghostly figure as "Jack of the Lantern," and ..........................................................

O.k. so you are probably thinking, what the fuck happened to the jack-o-lantern story, and why is there a picture of a bunch of Jews in its place?

It's pretty simple actually. I took Anastasia Beaverhausen with me to pick out a pumpkin, right... and every fucking place we went she was all like, "This place is way too expensive, I know another place where we can get one cheaper".

So after about six hours of this, I was like, "forget this bullshit. This chick is whacked."

I mean, I have no problem spending $3.99 on a pumpkin, and I was even going to surprise her by making her very own 'Special' pumpkin. I even bought a mold for it (See above photo).

(aside: There is no way I am going to tell her how much I spent on this mold. I'm pretty sure I got robbed).

So, out of fucking nowhere... I came up with an excellent and 'cheap' idea, that I know Stingy Beav. would not have a problem with.

And, Oh yeah, she was all like, "What is it? What is it? What is it?" -- Fucking 'Heeb' is not only cheap, but she is also whiny, and impatient -- I told her it's going to be a surprise.

So, this is what I did. I bought a couple of those 'Oil stick' paint pens for a buck fifty .... and well ... ... ...

(Photo Provided by: new-x10-chink-camera-mount)

BEHOLD!!! Tell me this mother-fucker isn't going to scare away that 'Stingy Jack' bastard! In fact, we don't even have to buy candy this year, cause this 'Trick' will be sitting on the porch, and ain't no mo-fo's gonna want no candy!

Streaking Takes Real Balls!

What is it in a human being that would encourage them to take off all their clothes and run around naked in front of a group ot complete strangers?

Answer: I don't give a rats ass. These are my heroes. Why are they my heroes? Because it takes a lot of 'balls' to take off all your clothes and run around a stadium packed with thousands of spectators in nothing but you 'Birthday Suit'. (aside: I wonder if Apache Rose knows why it is called a 'Birthday Suit?)

In recent years, streakers have been "thinking outside of the box" and hitting virgin streaking territories such as bowling championships, darts and Wimbledon.

I guess my inherent nature sways more to the exo-genous sense. A sense of Fuck society... and Fuck the rules!

The art of streaking has had its landmark figures. The 25-year-old Australian Michael OBrien, who was an accountant working in London, is widely credited with the first streak at a major sporting event. His unscripted appearance at and England versus France Rugby Union match at Twickenham in 1974 provided one of streaking's most bizaare occurences, and the rugby officer -- after catching O'brien -- used his hat to cover O'Briens kibbles n' Bits. I wonder what he did with his hat after that? I'd still wear mine, what the fuck. I have hat's that have been in worse places than... covering a man's cajones.

Rick Grieve, associate professor of psychology at the University of Michigan said, "I don't know the particular reason's why a man would run naked across a football field ... there are psychological disorders that would prompt someone to streak. .

Thanks a lot Professor Grieve. You have really helped us out on the streaking matter. Perhaps, some people like to run arond naked. Ever think of that Ass-Hat? People have been runing around naked in public since Adam and Eve; But ever since that business with the snake and the apple, most authorities get all indignant about it. The popular psychology is that such repression has led to the phenomenon of getting your 'cock' out at high profile events and cartwheeling about before the stewards or police tackle you.

I guess, if you don't mind being carried off a field, in front of 20,000 people, in the buff ....than buy all means, Streak. And if you have no problem with strange men in Firemen outfit's carrying you away as your cock-and-balls dangle freely in the night air. Go For It! As for me? I guess I just don't have the 'Balls' for it. Or maybe I do, I guess you'll just have to wait and see ;)

Camp Fuckhead Retard

Abstract: This paper (rough draft) considers some of the current prospects and practices related to vocational programs and counselling for the mentally handicapped. Issues of concern are explored, including program emphasis and content, the role and training of the counsellor, as well as other professional and non-professional participants in the process of preparing the retarded for satisfactory adult adjustment to employment and community living. ********************************************************************************* Every year I spend a week as a counsellor at 'Camp Fuckhead Retard'

I know what you are thinking. Cock-ninja is an altruist? That's right bitches, I fucking care about people!!! Just like Anastasia, who just adopted a female 'pierogie' and 'borscht' making Slavek. I am so a jealous of you. Bitch.

O.k., so every year, each counsellor has to make up his own event for the fuckhead retards. I provided all the floatation devices. What the fuck, I have acquired a fairly large collection over the years, and most of the models are outdated, so........

The event includes swimming across fuckhead rapids to fuckhead island at the other side. That seems specific enough, right... but it is important to understand that there are no rules. You are allowed to do whatever it takes to be the first one to get to fuckhead island. (That's why some of the fuckhead retards choose to wear helmets. It can get pretty ugly.)

Off they Go!!!!!!!!!!!

The problem is that... uh .. that none of these fucking retards have ever seen water before. What the fuck? It's water. It's what we need to survive!!!! Swim Mother-Fuckers!!! Swim!!! (i.e for future reference, it's probably not a good idea to let a retard swim with a helmet on, it can get water-logged and heavy and cause a retard to sink!) (All pictures and overhead photography provided by New X10 Chink Camera Mount)

Here's Carl fighting for dear life. Pick up your head and breathe you fucking-asshole-retard!!! You're not even using your floatation device (mother-fucker cost me 69.95 plus tax!) You fucking retard, you have 36 DDD's within life saving grasp and you're not even using them!!! This is complete bullshit! I am not taking blame for your death. I fucking hate all of you retards. I am so fucked.

Noone made it to the island.

The event is still under investigation.

Ironically, all of the floatation devices are still in-tact, and back in my walk-in closet.

(p.s. Beav: There is no way you are getting to hell before I am. Slutbag!!!)

Where's Anastasia?

Happy Post-Yom Kippur

Help me find Miss Beaverhausen among this about-to-be-gassed pile of jews. Help me before it is too late. There may be time to save her.