MATT

Meet my room-mate Matt.

Let me tell you how it all went down.

I was deep sea fishing one day when I saw this object 'bobbing' up and down in the water. I was confused. I thought it might be an Otter or a Sea Lion or something so I drove my boat up to it, and well ... it turned out to be this guy, Matt. So I grabbed the graffle hook and went to hook him up, and he was like, "What the fuck are you doing?' and I said, "What the fuck does it look like I'm doing, I'm saving your life?" "With a fucking meat hook?" he replied. I thought about it for a second, and the meat-patty-looking-son-of-a-bitch was right. So I grabbed the net instead and scooped him up. He was pretty light. He was grateful, of course, and he told me that if he could, he would give me a big hug. And I was like, "Listen, ... don't get all Fudjedi-Wally on me... you're welcome, we'll just leave it at that."

So, there he was sitting in my boat shivering. And I asked him what the fuck did he think he was doing 'Bobbing' around in the middle of the ocean? He Said, "Well I was at the beach sun-bathing when this incredibly gorgeous blonde came up to me and she said, "Oh you poor thing, I bet you've never been screwed before?" And I told her that "as a matter of fact, I have never been screwed before". So ... she picked me up and threw me in the ocean... yelling, "NOW YOU ARE SCREWED!!!"

(aside: I asked him if her name might have been Apache Rose, but he said that he had no idea what her name was.)

Anyway, I took him home with me and we have been room-mates ever since.

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you MATT!

My dinner guests love him. He's like a living breathing Venus De Milo. How fucking sweet is that. He doesn't mind it when I call him Art. Even though his name is Matt.

Matt is always showing off. Here he is doing his impression of a Microphone. He's such a 'Ham' and ummm... I mean that literally, doesn't he kinda resemble a 'Ham'?

Matt loves people. And people love Matt. Everyone is always hugging him. Here he is after signing a 5 year contract with the NBA.

And here are some of the NBA stars of the future taking Matt with them to basketball camp.

Actually, the NBA gig didn't go over so well. He received multiple concussions from his head constantly banging off the steel basketball hoop, this unfortunately has lead to severe brain damage.

However, you'll all rest easy knowing that I have found the perfect position for Matt to spend the remainder of his days.