MATT

Meet my room-mate Matt.

Let me tell you how it all went down.

I was deep sea fishing one day when I saw this object 'bobbing' up and down in the water. I was confused. I thought it might be an Otter or a Sea Lion or something so I drove my boat up to it, and well ... it turned out to be this guy, Matt. So I grabbed the graffle hook and went to hook him up, and he was like, "What the fuck are you doing?' and I said, "What the fuck does it look like I'm doing, I'm saving your life?" "With a fucking meat hook?" he replied. I thought about it for a second, and the meat-patty-looking-son-of-a-bitch was right. So I grabbed the net instead and scooped him up. He was pretty light. He was grateful, of course, and he told me that if he could, he would give me a big hug. And I was like, "Listen, ... don't get all Fudjedi-Wally on me... you're welcome, we'll just leave it at that."

So, there he was sitting in my boat shivering. And I asked him what the fuck did he think he was doing 'Bobbing' around in the middle of the ocean? He Said, "Well I was at the beach sun-bathing when this incredibly gorgeous blonde came up to me and she said, "Oh you poor thing, I bet you've never been screwed before?" And I told her that "as a matter of fact, I have never been screwed before". So ... she picked me up and threw me in the ocean... yelling, "NOW YOU ARE SCREWED!!!"

(aside: I asked him if her name might have been Apache Rose, but he said that he had no idea what her name was.)

Anyway, I took him home with me and we have been room-mates ever since.

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you MATT!

My dinner guests love him. He's like a living breathing Venus De Milo. How fucking sweet is that. He doesn't mind it when I call him Art. Even though his name is Matt.

Matt is always showing off. Here he is doing his impression of a Microphone. He's such a 'Ham' and ummm... I mean that literally, doesn't he kinda resemble a 'Ham'?

Matt loves people. And people love Matt. Everyone is always hugging him. Here he is after signing a 5 year contract with the NBA.

And here are some of the NBA stars of the future taking Matt with them to basketball camp.

Actually, the NBA gig didn't go over so well. He received multiple concussions from his head constantly banging off the steel basketball hoop, this unfortunately has lead to severe brain damage.

However, you'll all rest easy knowing that I have found the perfect position for Matt to spend the remainder of his days.

Tea for Two

"When we consider how small after all the cup of human enjoyment is, how soon overflowed with tears, how easily drained to the dregs in our quenchless thirst for infinity, we shall not blame ourselves for making so much of the tea cup." The Book of Tea (1907), Kakuzo Okakura

O.k. so, tea began in ancient China over 5,000 years ago when this 'Chink' Emperor Shen was standing around with a cup of boiled water --instead of a fucking camera-- and dried leaves from a nearby bush blew into his cup (aside: he was holding a cup of boiled water because, during this time water was boiled for hygienic reasons)... so what happened was a brown liquid infused into the water. The Emperor was interested in the new liquid, drank some, and found it very refreshing; And so, according to legend, tea was created. By Chinks! Then, in Japan Pseudo-Chinks elevated tea to an art form resulting in the creation of the Japanese Tea Ceremony ("Cha-no-yu" or "the hot water for tea"). The best description was written by pseudo-chink Sun Ho Jun Fun Dung Chung Un-Hung or some fucked up Jap name, anyway , he so eloquently wrote, "The Tea ceremony requires years of training and practice to graduate in art...yet the whole of this art, as to its detail, signifies no more than the making and serving of a cup of tea. The supremely important matter is that the act be performed in the most perfect, most polite, most graceful, most charming manner possible".

I agree, if I'm going to spend all this fucking time making some bitch a cup of tea. I expect to get at least a blow-job, even if the blow-job is from a 'stingy-jew'. (I will not mention any names here). And it had better be a damn good blow-job or the bitch is going to get perfectly scalded in the most polite, most graceful, most charming manner possible!

Onward with my tea story... It is well known -- well known accept for you bunch of 'Fuckwits' -- esp. you 'Sofa King Ski-Mask wearing Wop mother-fucker' -- that the first tea bags were made from hand-sewn silk muslin bags ... patents of this sort dating as early as 1903 (see above diagram). The bags first appeared commercially around 1904, tea bags were successfully marketed by tea and coffee shop merchant Thomas Sullivan Lipton of New York, who shipped his tea bags around the world.

(En Sequitor (((Alert))): Since we are on the subject of the 'Around the World' it's a neat trick to try to fuck a chick in all the standard positions without pulling your dick out of her. I was able to achieve the around the world once. It helps if the chick has a tight pussy).

I have always believed that the tea bag was a metaphor for a deeply fractured society. It levels the heights of great culture, a truly proletarian deed, bringing it within the grasp of all while being itself the antidote to cultural sensitivity of any kind. There is no way any of you understood that, so let me rephrase it... YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF LAZY MOTHER-FUCKERS, and without tea-bags you aren't drinking no tea! Within its powdery heart lies the beauty and elegance of the Japanese tea ceremony -lineage - and the British attachment to tea as a symbol of home and hearth a great intimacy. It is only in Westernized countries that time has been constrained to such an extent that the tea bag has been able to take hold.

Mices!

Do Mice Fuck? Answer: Yes they fuck.

Look at the cute little mouse dick. Looks like a pencil eraser. Someone should invent 'mouse dick' pencil erasers.

These mice are really into it. "Hammer that shit!" This happens to be one of my favorite positions. Aren't they cute?

(Hey, look Beav. She has your nose).

I found this to be so cute that I thought I would become a mouse sex therapist. Teaching the male mouse that it's not all about you, and the importance of give-and-take reciprocity.

I know these aren't mice they are 'gerbils' (I think) same difference. Faggots. It's make-believe you assholes.

(Hey, look Beav. she has your nose.)

I am having no such luck with Walter. He is very selfish and self-centered... it's all about 'Him', and he doesn't care about anything accept Humping! Little bastard will 'Hump' anything. He even took the cheese when he was finished.

(Hey, look Beav. . .)