MATT

Meet my room-mate Matt.

Let me tell you how it all went down.

I was deep sea fishing one day when I saw this object 'bobbing' up and down in the water. I was confused. I thought it might be an Otter or a Sea Lion or something so I drove my boat up to it, and well ... it turned out to be this guy, Matt. So I grabbed the graffle hook and went to hook him up, and he was like, "What the fuck are you doing?' and I said, "What the fuck does it look like I'm doing, I'm saving your life?" "With a fucking meat hook?" he replied. I thought about it for a second, and the meat-patty-looking-son-of-a-bitch was right. So I grabbed the net instead and scooped him up. He was pretty light. He was grateful, of course, and he told me that if he could, he would give me a big hug. And I was like, "Listen, ... don't get all Fudjedi-Wally on me... you're welcome, we'll just leave it at that."

So, there he was sitting in my boat shivering. And I asked him what the fuck did he think he was doing 'Bobbing' around in the middle of the ocean? He Said, "Well I was at the beach sun-bathing when this incredibly gorgeous blonde came up to me and she said, "Oh you poor thing, I bet you've never been screwed before?" And I told her that "as a matter of fact, I have never been screwed before". So ... she picked me up and threw me in the ocean... yelling, "NOW YOU ARE SCREWED!!!"

(aside: I asked him if her name might have been Apache Rose, but he said that he had no idea what her name was.)

Anyway, I took him home with me and we have been room-mates ever since.

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you MATT!

My dinner guests love him. He's like a living breathing Venus De Milo. How fucking sweet is that. He doesn't mind it when I call him Art. Even though his name is Matt.

Matt is always showing off. Here he is doing his impression of a Microphone. He's such a 'Ham' and ummm... I mean that literally, doesn't he kinda resemble a 'Ham'?

Matt loves people. And people love Matt. Everyone is always hugging him. Here he is after signing a 5 year contract with the NBA.

And here are some of the NBA stars of the future taking Matt with them to basketball camp.

Actually, the NBA gig didn't go over so well. He received multiple concussions from his head constantly banging off the steel basketball hoop, this unfortunately has lead to severe brain damage.

However, you'll all rest easy knowing that I have found the perfect position for Matt to spend the remainder of his days.

Tea for Two

"When we consider how small after all the cup of human enjoyment is, how soon overflowed with tears, how easily drained to the dregs in our quenchless thirst for infinity, we shall not blame ourselves for making so much of the tea cup." The Book of Tea (1907), Kakuzo Okakura

O.k. so, tea began in ancient China over 5,000 years ago when this 'Chink' Emperor Shen was standing around with a cup of boiled water --instead of a fucking camera-- and dried leaves from a nearby bush blew into his cup (aside: he was holding a cup of boiled water because, during this time water was boiled for hygienic reasons)... so what happened was a brown liquid infused into the water. The Emperor was interested in the new liquid, drank some, and found it very refreshing; And so, according to legend, tea was created. By Chinks! Then, in Japan Pseudo-Chinks elevated tea to an art form resulting in the creation of the Japanese Tea Ceremony ("Cha-no-yu" or "the hot water for tea"). The best description was written by pseudo-chink Sun Ho Jun Fun Dung Chung Un-Hung or some fucked up Jap name, anyway , he so eloquently wrote, "The Tea ceremony requires years of training and practice to graduate in art...yet the whole of this art, as to its detail, signifies no more than the making and serving of a cup of tea. The supremely important matter is that the act be performed in the most perfect, most polite, most graceful, most charming manner possible".

I agree, if I'm going to spend all this fucking time making some bitch a cup of tea. I expect to get at least a blow-job, even if the blow-job is from a 'stingy-jew'. (I will not mention any names here). And it had better be a damn good blow-job or the bitch is going to get perfectly scalded in the most polite, most graceful, most charming manner possible!

Onward with my tea story... It is well known -- well known accept for you bunch of 'Fuckwits' -- esp. you 'Sofa King Ski-Mask wearing Wop mother-fucker' -- that the first tea bags were made from hand-sewn silk muslin bags ... patents of this sort dating as early as 1903 (see above diagram). The bags first appeared commercially around 1904, tea bags were successfully marketed by tea and coffee shop merchant Thomas Sullivan Lipton of New York, who shipped his tea bags around the world.

(En Sequitor (((Alert))): Since we are on the subject of the 'Around the World' it's a neat trick to try to fuck a chick in all the standard positions without pulling your dick out of her. I was able to achieve the around the world once. It helps if the chick has a tight pussy).

I have always believed that the tea bag was a metaphor for a deeply fractured society. It levels the heights of great culture, a truly proletarian deed, bringing it within the grasp of all while being itself the antidote to cultural sensitivity of any kind. There is no way any of you understood that, so let me rephrase it... YOU'RE ALL A BUNCH OF LAZY MOTHER-FUCKERS, and without tea-bags you aren't drinking no tea! Within its powdery heart lies the beauty and elegance of the Japanese tea ceremony -lineage - and the British attachment to tea as a symbol of home and hearth a great intimacy. It is only in Westernized countries that time has been constrained to such an extent that the tea bag has been able to take hold.

Mices!

Do Mice Fuck? Answer: Yes they fuck.

Look at the cute little mouse dick. Looks like a pencil eraser. Someone should invent 'mouse dick' pencil erasers.

These mice are really into it. "Hammer that shit!" This happens to be one of my favorite positions. Aren't they cute?

(Hey, look Beav. She has your nose).

I found this to be so cute that I thought I would become a mouse sex therapist. Teaching the male mouse that it's not all about you, and the importance of give-and-take reciprocity.

I know these aren't mice they are 'gerbils' (I think) same difference. Faggots. It's make-believe you assholes.

(Hey, look Beav. she has your nose.)

I am having no such luck with Walter. He is very selfish and self-centered... it's all about 'Him', and he doesn't care about anything accept Humping! Little bastard will 'Hump' anything. He even took the cheese when he was finished.

(Hey, look Beav. . .)

Carve This Irony

History of the Jack-o-Lantern

People have been making jack-o-lanterns at Halloween for centuries. The practice originated from an Irish myth about a man nicknamed "Stingy Jack." According to the story, Stingy Jack invited the Devil to have a drink with him. True to his name, Stingy Jack didn't want to pay for his drink, so he convinced the Devil to turn himself into a coin that Jack could use to buy their drinks. Once the Devil did so, Jack decided to keep the money and put it into his pocket next to a silver cross, which prevented the Devil from changing back into his original form. Jack eventually freed the Devil, under the condition that he would not bother Jack for one year and that, should Jack die, he would not claim his soul. The next year, Jack again tricked the Devil into climbing into a tree to pick a piece of fruit. While he was up in the tree, Jack carved a sign of the cross into the tree's bark so that the Devil could not come down until the Devil promised Jack not to bother him for ten more years. Soon after, Jack died. As the legend goes, God would not allow such an unsavory figure into heaven. The Devil, upset by the trick Jack had played on him and keeping his word not to claim his soul, would not allow Jack into hell. He sent Jack off into the dark night with only a burning coal to light his way. Jack put the coal into a carved out turnip and has been roaming the Earth with it ever since. The Irish began to refer to this ghostly figure as "Jack of the Lantern," and ..........................................................

O.k. so you are probably thinking, what the fuck happened to the jack-o-lantern story, and why is there a picture of a bunch of Jews in its place?

It's pretty simple actually. I took Anastasia Beaverhausen with me to pick out a pumpkin, right... and every fucking place we went she was all like, "This place is way too expensive, I know another place where we can get one cheaper".

So after about six hours of this, I was like, "forget this bullshit. This chick is whacked."

I mean, I have no problem spending $3.99 on a pumpkin, and I was even going to surprise her by making her very own 'Special' pumpkin. I even bought a mold for it (See above photo).

(aside: There is no way I am going to tell her how much I spent on this mold. I'm pretty sure I got robbed).

So, out of fucking nowhere... I came up with an excellent and 'cheap' idea, that I know Stingy Beav. would not have a problem with.

And, Oh yeah, she was all like, "What is it? What is it? What is it?" -- Fucking 'Heeb' is not only cheap, but she is also whiny, and impatient -- I told her it's going to be a surprise.

So, this is what I did. I bought a couple of those 'Oil stick' paint pens for a buck fifty .... and well ... ... ...

(Photo Provided by: new-x10-chink-camera-mount)

BEHOLD!!! Tell me this mother-fucker isn't going to scare away that 'Stingy Jack' bastard! In fact, we don't even have to buy candy this year, cause this 'Trick' will be sitting on the porch, and ain't no mo-fo's gonna want no candy!

Streaking Takes Real Balls!

What is it in a human being that would encourage them to take off all their clothes and run around naked in front of a group ot complete strangers?

Answer: I don't give a rats ass. These are my heroes. Why are they my heroes? Because it takes a lot of 'balls' to take off all your clothes and run around a stadium packed with thousands of spectators in nothing but you 'Birthday Suit'. (aside: I wonder if Apache Rose knows why it is called a 'Birthday Suit?)

In recent years, streakers have been "thinking outside of the box" and hitting virgin streaking territories such as bowling championships, darts and Wimbledon.

I guess my inherent nature sways more to the exo-genous sense. A sense of Fuck society... and Fuck the rules!

The art of streaking has had its landmark figures. The 25-year-old Australian Michael OBrien, who was an accountant working in London, is widely credited with the first streak at a major sporting event. His unscripted appearance at and England versus France Rugby Union match at Twickenham in 1974 provided one of streaking's most bizaare occurences, and the rugby officer -- after catching O'brien -- used his hat to cover O'Briens kibbles n' Bits. I wonder what he did with his hat after that? I'd still wear mine, what the fuck. I have hat's that have been in worse places than... covering a man's cajones.

Rick Grieve, associate professor of psychology at the University of Michigan said, "I don't know the particular reason's why a man would run naked across a football field ... there are psychological disorders that would prompt someone to streak. .

Thanks a lot Professor Grieve. You have really helped us out on the streaking matter. Perhaps, some people like to run arond naked. Ever think of that Ass-Hat? People have been runing around naked in public since Adam and Eve; But ever since that business with the snake and the apple, most authorities get all indignant about it. The popular psychology is that such repression has led to the phenomenon of getting your 'cock' out at high profile events and cartwheeling about before the stewards or police tackle you.

I guess, if you don't mind being carried off a field, in front of 20,000 people, in the buff ....than buy all means, Streak. And if you have no problem with strange men in Firemen outfit's carrying you away as your cock-and-balls dangle freely in the night air. Go For It! As for me? I guess I just don't have the 'Balls' for it. Or maybe I do, I guess you'll just have to wait and see ;)

Camp Fuckhead Retard

Abstract: This paper (rough draft) considers some of the current prospects and practices related to vocational programs and counselling for the mentally handicapped. Issues of concern are explored, including program emphasis and content, the role and training of the counsellor, as well as other professional and non-professional participants in the process of preparing the retarded for satisfactory adult adjustment to employment and community living. ********************************************************************************* Every year I spend a week as a counsellor at 'Camp Fuckhead Retard'

I know what you are thinking. Cock-ninja is an altruist? That's right bitches, I fucking care about people!!! Just like Anastasia, who just adopted a female 'pierogie' and 'borscht' making Slavek. I am so a jealous of you. Bitch.

O.k., so every year, each counsellor has to make up his own event for the fuckhead retards. I provided all the floatation devices. What the fuck, I have acquired a fairly large collection over the years, and most of the models are outdated, so........

The event includes swimming across fuckhead rapids to fuckhead island at the other side. That seems specific enough, right... but it is important to understand that there are no rules. You are allowed to do whatever it takes to be the first one to get to fuckhead island. (That's why some of the fuckhead retards choose to wear helmets. It can get pretty ugly.)

Off they Go!!!!!!!!!!!

The problem is that... uh .. that none of these fucking retards have ever seen water before. What the fuck? It's water. It's what we need to survive!!!! Swim Mother-Fuckers!!! Swim!!! (i.e for future reference, it's probably not a good idea to let a retard swim with a helmet on, it can get water-logged and heavy and cause a retard to sink!) (All pictures and overhead photography provided by New X10 Chink Camera Mount)

Here's Carl fighting for dear life. Pick up your head and breathe you fucking-asshole-retard!!! You're not even using your floatation device (mother-fucker cost me 69.95 plus tax!) You fucking retard, you have 36 DDD's within life saving grasp and you're not even using them!!! This is complete bullshit! I am not taking blame for your death. I fucking hate all of you retards. I am so fucked.

Noone made it to the island.

The event is still under investigation.

Ironically, all of the floatation devices are still in-tact, and back in my walk-in closet.

(p.s. Beav: There is no way you are getting to hell before I am. Slutbag!!!)

Where's Anastasia?

Happy Post-Yom Kippur

Help me find Miss Beaverhausen among this about-to-be-gassed pile of jews. Help me before it is too late. There may be time to save her.

Exclusive Michael Jackson Photos

I've been holding onto these photo's for the right opportunity to cash in, so I thought I'd bring them to the 'National Enquirer'. I figured they'd be all over this 'exclusive' material. That's not the case at all. Bastards!

When I showed the assistant editor the photos she just kind of stared at me in disbelief. At first I thought it was 'awe', but she just shook her head and told me that I'd better leave.

So I told her that I wanted to speak to the Managing Editor.

She said that he was busy.

"Too busy for exclusive Michael-Jackson-with-an-eight-year-old-boy-photos!"

Again she told me to leave, or she was going to get security.

So, now I'm fucking pissed and I'm like, "What the fuck is wrong with you? These photos are worth a fortune!"

She took me aside, and in a very agitated voice said, "Mr. Ninja, what you have here are two apes engaged in oral sex, now this is your last chance to leave before I get security!"

And I said, "Two apes engaged in oral sex! What the fuck are you talking about you RACIST BITCH? Are you fucked in the head? Go ahead... get security; I'm not leaving until the managing editor sees these fucking photos!!!"

(Photos Taken at Michael Jackson's California estate by the NEW X10 Chink Camera Mount)

O.k., so after being arrested and paying the thousand dollars bail, I decided to conduct a survey, so I stood outside a local Gas n' Go and took a double-blind, A, B, C, or D., 1000-person, random-survey. The choices were as follows:

A. Michael Jackson with an 8 year old boy.

B. Two Apes engaged in oral sex.

C. Not Sure

D. All of The above.

The results were as follows:

A. 953

B. 43

C. 4

D. 0

There you have it. Popular consensus in the making. Now all I have to do is convince the judge.

(note. The four 'not sures' include: Babtist Minister, Calculus Entropy; Kentucky Governor, Ernie Fletcher; President of the NAACP, Bruce S. Gordon; and a girl on a ten-speed bike eating a grape Charm's Blow Pop.)

p.s. I am not from Kentucky.

p.s.s Could I try any harder to get kicked off of Blogger.com?

ninj.

NEW X10 CHINK Camera Mount

Introducing the most exciting and significant Camera product of the year! It's the NEW X10 CHINK camera mount. The NEW X10 CHINK camera mount and controller allows you to move your NEW X10 CHINK camera mount from left to right, up and down! With the X10 ScanPad Remote, you can remotely move the position of your NEW X10 CHINK camera mount to monitor whatever you want! With its Ultra Sweep & Scan™ feature you can put your NEW X10 CHINK camera mount on auto-pilot to sweep between 4 preset locations, perfect for any occassion: Weddings, School Plays, Bar Mitzvahs, Trips to the Andes, bring your NEW X10 CHINK camera mount with you wherever you go. Incredible 240º x 130º Pan 'n Tilt Range - Now you can easily control remotely what your camera is looking at; Pan 240 degrees left to right (31 seconds per cycle) and tilt 130 degrees up and down! (15 seconds per cycle). Amazingly smooth & fluid movement! Perfect for at-home surveillance. Your NEW X10 CHINK camera mount set on 'auto mode' will automatically sweep thru 4 stored positions (ex. front driveway, street, front lawn, and front door area.) Great for monitoring an entire 240 degree area when you're not home!

X10 CHINK ScanPad Remote (Not-Included) .

(This post is dedicated to Anastasia Beaverhausen. I know how much she hate these mother-fuckers!)